I need a window

A dear friend who supported me with computer modifications at my last school has read the posted part of my book. He encouraged me to post a second composition of my ramblings. He also encouraged me to try to publish; he even knew how to get it published with help from Amazon. Dan the Man comes through again.

Multiple Sclerosis. These words are a wake up call to me. Growing up in the midst of a DDT infected Louisiana cotton field never caused me concern. Aren't I infallible? I cannot be affected by that poison. Was environment a cause for disease? It's more a result of environment, not genetics.

My sweet sister was diagnosed with MS when she was pregnant with her second child. She was taking a sinful pan of her amazing fudge to a friend. As she navigated down a snowy hill, her vision disappeared. Why did this happen to her? I never dreamed that this could ever be a result of MS. I was sure that she would find out what was the cause and be healed. After all, her husband is a brilliant opthomologist. It was discovered that this blindness was a result of MS. How could a disease like this rear it's evil head in the body of my sister? I never considered the personal possibilities. I should have.

In 1988, I felt the first symptoms of MS. I stumbled and had difficulty with my motor skills. I have never been a person with the grace of a ballerina. Our two amazing daughters did not need a mom who could not be a part of their active normal world. All my research suggested that MS is not a disease of heredity. It can't be. We have two precious and perfect daughters. I cannot be the contributor of any difficulties in their lives. I went to a neurologist who ran the typical tests. I was fitted with what was a reminder of an aviator's helmet. For several minutes - or was it hours - I watched whirling shapes and images. Then I got the "privilege" of being placed in what felt like a toilet paper tube for the first of many MRIs. I didn't fight the MRI too much. After all, I could now prove that really had a brain! The neurologist read all the information gathered from these tests picturing what was wrong. I went to his office to hear his analysis. I do not remember much except his giving me the pamphlet: Living with Multiple Sclerosis. Was that an evil joke? How does one live with MS? I could will this away. Mind over matter was my philosophy of life. I was not given the option of any medications to strengthen my body to fight this enemy. It was medical protocol to not diagnosis MS until the patient has two episodes of classic MS.

Thank goodness neurologists are now proactive.

Writing this part of my journey gives me a sense of freedom. I have been encouraged to grieve over having MS. No one died. But I guess, my life is seriously affected by MS. My life is not over; it is just different from my expectations.